The Top Three Funniest Things You've Ever Seen

Oh man that's hard. The #1 one came to my head quick.

3. Kelly (swmbo) screaming "99 bottles of beer on the wall" at the top of her lungs for 30 minutes straight, while slightly inebriated, and starting over at 99 every time she forgot where she was (many times), as revenge for my friend and I trying to annoy her by singing 99 bottles of beer.

2. Robin Williams on "Inside the Actors Studio." I could just put Robin Williams period.

1. Kelly losing a bet that she could eat a handful of flour. The backstory on that is good, I should elaborate later, but at any rate, I was doubled over on the floor crying with laughter for over 5 minutes.

That's off the top of my head. I know I'll think of way more later... which is why I hate top 3 type lists. =]

3 - I was stuck in traffic in the inner harbor area of Baltimore about a year ago. A homeless guy falls down, and a very young looking cop bends over and helps the guy up. Once he's back on his feet, they homeless guy thanks him by whipping it out and pissing on him.

2 - My mother's aunt's funeral (she was a nasty, evil woman). I'm standing next to my mom looking over the casket and I see my mom is poking at the corpse, so I ask her what the hell is she doing. The looks me dead in the eye with a straight face and says "Just checking that the bitch is dead dear." (My mom is about 4 foot 10 and looks very conservative and is very big on social protocol, which made it even funnier.)

1 - My dad used to be a Special Olympics coach, and he used to take me with him to a lot of the games. When I was about 13, I saw the funniest thing I have ever seen in my life. If I see something else this funny in my lifetime, I can die happy. During the relay race, one kid must have been determined to win at all costs, because as he caught up to the other kids, he would take the baton and whack them in the legs. As you can imagine, the other competitors were not pleased. One of the kids who had been Kerriganned catches up with his attacker and tackles him. One of the other kids joins in and starts beating on the Gilooly kid. Within seconds, a huge brawl has broken out on the track. This alone would have been funny enough, but then one of them unvelcroed his plastic leg brace and started hitting him with it. Dad never took me back to the Special Olympics after that. It looks really bad when the coach's kid is in a ball on the ground wheezing from laughter. I wasn't as skilled in stifling the laugh as the rest of them.

Ok, I really can't narrow this down to three, but about the funniest thing that has ever happened to me (probably one of those "You had to be there moments", but I'll try anyway) is this:

First off, you have to understand the environment. This group was a bunch of conservative Christians, all who will not cuss or tell dirty jokes (or at least try not to and get embarrassed when they do). Among us is a missionary from a foreign country who is studying at our school (a Baptist university) who has no real concept of our culture and is even more conservative than the rest of us (you wouldn't mention the work "sex" around him). We're playing "Taboo", it is the missionary’s turn to give clues, the rest of his team are girls, and I'm from the "guys" team looking over his shoulder making sure he doesn't say any of the "taboo" words. Perfectly harmless situation being played in the lobby of the girl’s dorm of a Baptist University, or so you’d think . . .

The word he gets is "pirate" and it has various words listed that he cannot say. Struggling to find a word he can use, he says "robber", which due to his accent comes out as "rubber". This kind of made me chuckle, because I knew he was sending the girls down the wrong path. Immediately they start saying things like "band, tire", etc. He, unfortunately, gets a little flustered and impatient because he knows he was misunderstood. So abruptly he shakes his head and blurts out "sea man" trying to refocus their guesses. Of course, I realize what has just happened, what he meant, and exactly how the girls are going to take it. I'm trying sooo hard not to laugh.

Of course, the girls mistook the second word as well, but are now whipped into such a frenzy that they start shouting words at the top of their lungs without really thinking: "Condom! Prophylactic!" etc. (And yes, I clearly remember the word "Prophylactic" being yelled- that just made the whole thing funnier).

Now the missionary is convinced these girls have lost their minds because he has this very offended look on his face- they're so excited because they know their own the right track- I mean what else could it be? My team is utterly bewildered at the whole thing because they're slightly less excited than the girls and have realized that there's no way any word in the family game of "taboo" could be described by the clues "rubber" and "semen". Me, I'm just turning red I'm laughing so hard because I'm the only one who understood what was going on. I finally had to just stop the game and explain to the missionary what was going on. He was very embarrassed, as where the girls who’d been screaming at the top of their lungs in a very public, very conservative, place. Who knew “taboo” could be so “worldly”!

It's one of those stories you see in a "Friends" episode and just write it off as being contrived- only it really happened. Some times truth is funnier than fiction!

Saw this one caught on the news a few years back:

A would-be thief hauls a cinder block (a.k.a. Concrete Masonry Unit, or CMU) up to a storefront's plate glass window with the intention of breaking through the glass and stealing some goods. He heaves the cinder block at the glass only to have it bounce back (he failed to note that the storefront was made of plexiglass) and cream him square in the face.

Wish I could find that video somewhere.