That about sums it up. Happy New Year to me.

My girlfriend of 2 years dumped me last night. My first time being on the recieving end, and I feel like total shit. I love her so much, and was saving up for an engagement ring. I had it all designed. We talked all the time about our future together. She said that she had been thinking about things for about a month, and realized that it was not going to work out for her. She says that she loved me more than anything, but if not now, we would break up eventually because we are too different.

I loved the fact that we are so different in many ways, but had the same sense of humor, and liked to do many of the same things.

Of course, the bad news doesn't stop there. We live together. I have been out of work for a few months, and neither of us has anywhere to go. She said that if I decide to stay in our apartment (which I love so much, I can't stand the thought of leaving) that she wants to be off the lease. That involves me proving to the rental company that I can pay for the apartment on my own. I can, for a while, but I think that they are going to want proof that I have a job and all that. My ex is pushing hard for me to decide what I am going to do, because she wants to move into a place upstairs from us that is open, and the rental people wont let her be on 2 leases at once.

This really sucks because I basically have no money, nowhere to go, no job prospects, and a lot of stuff in this apartment that a may have to move out soon. Oh, and I'm losing the love of my life that I thought was going to mother my children.

I may decide to go back to school full time and get my MBA, but that involves moving away from friends, the city, and changing my whole life again for the second time in as many years.

I think that I can stay in this apartment until the end of January. That may give me enough time to figure out what to do, clear my head and all that. I am totally upset and beside myself, I can't believe that she would throw away our relationship. I suppose I should have seen it comming because of some issues that she has, both past and present, and of course because of some issues that I have.

I just don't know. I'm not looking for sympathy or anything. I'm sure many of you have gone through something similar or worse. I suppose that I will land on my feet, and I know that this is not just the end of something, but at the same time also a beginning. What a stupid cliche. I don't want to do the dating scene again. Wading through a sea of crap and bullshit to find that "special someone" Alone at night, just wanting to share your feelings with someone who cares. Then going out trying to get laid, waking up in the morning not caring about the person next to you. Worring about disease, putting yourself out there, getting hurt, meeting parents and friends, hoping that they like you, moving to a new place, telling the same stories, introducing someone new to your friends, and waiting for their reaction. I have disgustingly high standards. How the fuck am I going to find another woman who measures up?

I know that's not the right way to think and maybe I should worry less about finding the right woman, and more on taking care of myself for now. I suppose I learned a lot about both myself and relationships in the last 2 years, and I can take that with me.

Jebus, do I sound like a sorry sack or what.

thanks for being there guys. Happy New Year.