Daring to Fly

A play in one short act.

Scene: San Francisco, on the northern approach to the Golden Gate Bridge. Behind the wheel of a small silver Japanes station wagon is WagonBoy, having driven south from the darkness of the Northwest winter to score some Humboldt bud, commune with fellow anti-American liberals, and marry another man.

The wagon, Washington plate 2LEFT4U, weaves between lanes so that WagonBoy can have the opportunity to flash the peace sign at all other cars climbing on to the fabled, glorious Red span of Utopian Socialism.

As WagonBoy nears the midpoint of the bridge he spies 3 men mounting the rail of the bridge. WagonBoy's bleeding heart almost comes to a complete stop. He pulls the handbrake, cuts the wheel to start a skid, and manages a 60-0 1-second stop in the curb lane behind the 3 men.

Two young men, looking a bit nervous and forlorn, stand on the rail on either side of an older man who holds one of each of their hands aloft in the manner of a referee at a prizefight. The older man, wearing wizened wire rim glasses and an expensive suit and with nary a hair out of place, turns to WagonBoy to reveal a radiant, knowing, confident smile. The youth on the left, a pale white boy with a white wall haircut and acne wears an OD t-shirt and some desert cammy pants. On the right a much darker-complected youth wears a very worn pair of Adidas and a torn "Hard Rock Cafe - Kirkuk" T-shirt.

[WagonBoy, shouting]: "Hey! Hey! What the hell are you *doing*???

[WiseOldMan]: "Well, I am teaching these boys to fly! Isn't that great? What a day, huh? Couldn't be a better day for flying!"

[WagonBoy]: "Flying? Are your crazy? If you step off there you are all going to die!"

(young white boy directs a confused glance at WagonBoy...)

[WagonBoy]: "Hey, you? Are you going along with this? What's your name?"

[white boy, Jared]: "Ummm, Jared. Ummm, I dunno. Everybody says it's cool to fly...and like if I get the chance I shouldn't pass it up!"

[WagonBoy]: "Hey and you, Hard Rock: What's up? Are you actually going along with this??"

[hard rock boy, Ahmad]: "Well, yes. My father, Ahmad son of Ahmad insisted that any of his sons fly if given the chance!"

[WagonBoy]: "Old man you are *crazy*!! Anybody who's ever jumped off here has *died*! It's that simple! You're not birds, you're men! You are way too heavy!"

[WiseOldMan]: "Actually, we are not too heavy. I have carefully measured my weight and I weigh only 1.3 kilos. According to my careful calculations, my flight dynamics are quite good. Now Jared and Ahmad here, they weigh only 700 grams each. They should have no problem at all!"

[WagonBoy]: "That's insane! No way do you weigh 1.3 kilos! Have you discussed this with your doctor?"

[WiseOldMan]: "Well, actually I have, but you know I have got to say that my doctor has been in his job too long. He seems to have lost the ability to look at issues of mass and flight in new ways. If I paid too much attention to him, nobody would ever get off the ground!....Besides, and I have this on very solid authority, there are massive air pockets in the tidal flows below the bridge that will cushion any landing in the unlikely event that we encounter any previously-imponderable ambiguities in the areas of flight dynamics management or atmospheric density."

(At this moment, a small silver Japanese sedan comes buzzing down the northbound lanes, executes a U-Turn, jumps the median, and comes to a stop next to WagonBoy. A pale, white man, wearing a "Live Free or ...Whatever" T-shirt jumps out and starts shouting.)

[pale guy, SedanMan]: "Hey you! (to WagonBoy) What are you doing? Why are you bothering these people? Are you rooting for them to kill themselves? That is *sick*! You should be arrested!"

[WagonBoy]: "Well who the hell are you and what the hell are you doing barging in here when you don't know what the hell is really going on?"

[SedanMan]: "Don't tell me I don't know what is going on! I'm SedanMan and I just drove straight through from Detroit to come diss all the liberals in San Francisco! You're one of them, aren't you?"

[WagonBoy]: "Well, genius, your arrival is untimely. These people are trying to kill themselves and I am trying to stop them. Why the heck didn't you stay home and diss some liberals there?"

[SedanMan]: "Well, I was going to drive up to Ann Arbor and diss some liberals, but I figured I might get shot along the way for driving a foreign car! .....But hey, I'm asking the questions here! Why are you rooting these people on? Trying to make them kill themselves?"

[WagonBoy]: "I am *NOT* trying to make them kill themselves! The idiots, at least the old yo-yo with the glasses and the snazzy tie, think that they are going *flying*! I gotta stop them!"

[SedanMan]: "Well, flying, that's a completely different story! Why the heck are you trying to keep them from going flying?"

[WagonBoy]: "They're not going to fly, they're going to be killed!!"

[WiseOldMan]: "I *remind* you that I only weigh 1.3 kilos and that my power-to-weight ratio exceeds accepted nominal thresholds given what we know about ambient air temperatures around the bridge pylons and that the angle of approach to the water should be quite acceptable given the massive air bubbles below the surface!"

[SedanMan]: "You see! He only weighs 1.3 kilos and that his power-to-weight ratio exceeds accepted nominal thresholds given what we know about ambient air temperatures around the bridge pylons and that the angle of approach to the water should be quite acceptable given the massive air bubbles below the surface!"

(At this moment, SedanMan loses his footing and inadverdently steps sideways into the 2nd lane. A Lexus sedan driven by a California pornographer with California plate ACLU4U smashes into SedanMan, throwing him 80 commie meters down the road....the pornographer slows for a moment, just long enough to shout "take that you right-wing anti-pornography fascist!" and flip SedanMan the bird.... after about 45 seconds, SedanMan props himself up, gets to his feet and walks back to the railing.)

[SedanMan]: "Now, as I was saying: You see! He only weighs 1.3 kilos and his power-to-weight ratio exceeds accepted nominal thresholds given what we know about ambient air temperatures around the bridge pylons and that the angle of approach to the water should be quite acceptable given the massive air bubbles below the surface! So tell me again, why are you rooting for these gallant young fliers to die? You should be ashamed of yourself!"

[WagonBoy]: "Me? Ashamed of myself? Holy crap! You should get your head examined! You are going to help get all these people killed. Even if they somehow managed to survive the fall, there are great white sharks down there!!"

[WiseOldMan]: "Sharks are not a factor. We have carefully analyzed intelligence from our allies in the shark community and we can report that shark populations in the environs of this bridge have been decimated by the large air bubbles! What few sharks remain have been scattered and are in hiding!"

[SedanMan]: "You see? Sharks are not a factor. He has carefully analyzed intelligence from our allies in the shark community and he can report that shark populations in the environs of this bridge have been decimated by the large air bubbles! What few sharks remain have been scattered and are in hiding! So tell me again, why are you rooting for these gallant young fliers to die? You should be ashamed of yourself!"

(At this moment, SedanMan, now a little woozy, shifts his weight and steps in front of biodiesel-powered Volkswagen. The driver, a 50 year-old woman wearing granny glasses and a Mu-Mu, swerves to hit SedanMan squarely in the back, throwing him 90 socialist meters down the road. The driver stops by SedanMan's crumpled form and gets out to deliver a short, pithy, critical diatribe to SedanMan in favor of the endangered transgender great white sharks, then gets back into the VW, California plate LIBHERL, and speeds off..... after about 50 seconds, SedanMan props himself up, gets to his feet and walks back to the railing.)

[SedanMan]: "You see? Sharks are not a factor. He has carefully analyzed intelligence from our allies in the shark community and he can report that shark populations in the environs of this bridge have been decimated by the large air bubbles! What few sharks remain have been scattered and are in hiding! So tell me again, why are you rooting for these gallant young fliers to die? You should be ashamed of yourself!"

[WagonBoy]: "Holy Crap! I am not looking for you to die, but if you jump, you most certainly will. Gad, old man, if Jared and Ahmad die, their mothers will hate you forever and their fathers will swear vengeance against those of us who let it happen. Why don't you let them go? If you're so confident in your flight dynamics, you should be able to fly solo, right?"

[WiseOldMan]: "Now who says I was going flying? *Somebody* with experience has to remain in the control tower! ... Jared? Ahmad? Ready?"